The numbness or rubberiness creeps and receeds. There's no telling where it's going to be or how bad, at any particular time. Fun stuff!

My face is hurting quite a bit, now, too. Both sides, but of course still mainly on the right. And it's crawling down the sides of my neck, both sides equally. In fact, putting pressure on my neck by lying on my side is very uncomfortable.

I'm oh, so very tired.

That ole "bridge-sway" feeling, without the Topamax, seems to be dizziness. I don't have to be standing to feel it, in fact, most of the time I'm lying down or sitting. It's like getting the spins without the benefit of drinking alcohol. Yesterday I spent a good hour feeling dizzy and nauseous. Some of that can probably be attributed to the Neurontin and Baclofen, but since I've been on that awhile, and the sensation has only developed in the past six months, it seems like it must be something else.

And, besides stumbling around when I get up in the middle of the night (it's like I lose the sensation of where my body is in a given space), my knees buckle sometimes, when I'm just walking to and from. Mostly my right; sometimes the left side, but when that goes, it's from the hip down.

Clumsiness magnified.

And I don't feel like I'm able to focus or concentrate very well. That may have shown up in my latest posts.

Oh, indeed.

One of the questions I've been asking myself lately is: What do I have invested in being sick? So I've tried to figure out if going off the Topamax has helped, and if all these symptoms are part of the same thing, or separate issues.

I can honestly say that a lot of the tingling and numbness has now faded, although it seems to come and go in different areas of my body. It definitely isn't as bad as it was, although it seems to have been replaced by a kind of hypersensitivity. Like, I can feel the bottoms of my feet almost all the time. I notice them. I've been trying to decide whether this is because I can feel them, or if the lack of sensation has been replaced by this hypersensitivity. I feel like the brother in the House of Usher. I don't think this is necessarily a good thing.

Most of the numbness in my legs has been replaced by burning - like I can feel pressure after pressure has been removed.

I keep thinking I feel good enough to try and get a job, just something part-time, maybe in a fabric store and get an employee discount, then I have more pain and I feel exhausted just doing anything, and I realize that this isn't going to happen.

But I'm so bored. I just want to find something to do that won't wear me out.

Burning legs, painful shoulders and arms, and lots of twitches. Not much else to report (but I'm going to do it anyway).

Had a good session with Dr. Russell yesterday, although we talked mostly about my sister and how I'm dealing with that situation. Which is to say, he pointed out that I should probably try not to absorb so many emotions from everyone else. True enough, and I did have a good defense system once upon a time; Dr. Russell also pointed out that I'm just very vulnerable to that right now because of my health.

Interesting how a psychologist, a presumed man of science, understands some of the more waffly parts of existence. F'rinstance, intuitiveness and empathy. (In my case, over-empathy.) I guess it makes sense in that he deals with emotions, but it was weird to have someone I don't know as either a family member or friend point out that I can feel what others are feeling. Made me feel like I wasn't going completely nuts....not that I'm completely sane, either, but at least I'm not to be straight-jacketed just yet.

We also discussed my boredom, and tendency to just watch tv and absorbing that kind of thing rather than paying attention to what I was thinking and feeling. At least I'm not trying to create any crises on my own (I had a bad habit of doing that when I was younger, just to justify my feelings of anxiety, I think; plunging into situations that I hadn't completely scoped out, or making decisions that weren't always the best for myself). I am learning as I age, a little at a time.....

A combination of Topamax-withdrawal and general life issues produced some amazing anxiety. That is, anxiety as opposed to stress, which are two different sensations, at least within myself. Stress I can deal with, the anxiety made me feel like the world was crashing in around me. Kinda hard to sit and write or do much of anything when I feel like that.

The only other times that were similar were my college finals (y'know, at the end of every semester - dancing till I dropped and being extremely tired all the time helped, but I was much younger then, and not quite as physically unfit) and being on Norplant. I was almost to the point of calling either Dr. Russell or Dr. Peterson and having one of them prescribe some anti-anxiety medication. Fortunately, the anxiety seems to have dissipated, and I can cope with the normal stress.

What I can say about being off the Topamax is that some of the tingling and a lot of the numbness has gone, although I am unsure as yet as to whether or not that's because of not having any Topamax in my system or because that's just the way my body is working right now. Because it seems to come and go, and the skin on my back still has that rubbery feeling when I scratch. It's really hard to tell, at this point, what sensations (or lack thereof) are due to what causes (even if unnamed).

The itchy paraesthesia seemed to get unchained, and it's been really hard not to scratch holes in myself. I've tried antihistamines, and no luck. The twitching is worse, especially at night - to the point where I've been rolling from one side to the other to try and suppress it. My sleep is worse than it was, just when I thought I was getting some good rest, too.

And I've been fighting a nasty cold.

Argh.

Well, my mind does seem a little clearer (five days Topamax-free), but the anxiety caused by withdrawal (the information did warn me) hasn't been that much fun. I'm hoping a few more days will take care of that.

This morning, my right leg is numb, my back is burning, and I don't seem to have much of a sense of taste. My lips are tingly and my arms feel weird.

Random pain and numbness, it's just what everyone needs to keep them on their toes.

Yech.

The walking thing hasn't worked out the past couple of days, either. I'd feel guilty, except that I know that once my legs stop hurting again, I can go walk again. And maybe once I get over the last vestiges of Topamax-withdrawal.

Yikes.

Some of the information pointed to increased anxiety, and boy, talk about an understatement. Of course, it doesn't help that Frankie isn't doing well, and is currently in the shop while I await news. Otherwise it feels like my mind has become diffuse, and I can't sit and think about any one thing for longer than two minutes together. It is better today, which is why I can sit down at the computer, although I don't know how long through the day it'll last. It's just exhausting fighting everything that's going on in my body, and it's not a conscious fight.

My face has started up, after a week of not bothering me. Flashes of pain on the left side, the creeping, bone-squeezing, ache on the right.

What else can I complain about? Oh, yeah! I talked to Dr. Peterson on the phone yesterday, because the yeast-y thing isn't going away, and he suggested trying to bolster my body's natural bacterial balance instead of going after the bugs, since obviously the latter is not working. So, a prescription for something called Fem pH, apparently a gel that gets applied, something called Culturelle ( which I should be able to find in a health-food store), and if I couldn't find that, the fall-back position of acidophilus. The fun hasn't stopped yet.....I talked about my appointment with Dr. Satovick, and Dr. Peterson said that he had wanted me to see an MS specialist. Huh. Because that's not the way I remember it when we discussed it with him - Matt and I thought I should just see another neurologist to see if we could get any other ideas, and perhaps start seeing somebody a little more often than every six months.

Disappointed.

I'm sure it's just as frustrating for him, although I do wish he'd pay a little more attention to my chart. I suppose I just need my own pet doctor, devoted entirely to my cause and willing to seek out anything that might help me, keep up-to-date on all my meds and the changes thereof, and be able to hunt down and pester anybody else who might be able to help me. Doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?

So. Not being blindsided by the whole back/leg pain issue this time, I've been able to pay more attention to what's going on - and although I know exercise should help keep my muscles in condition to support the whole frame-work, this doesn't seem to be the case. I have been stretching and getting pretty limber, even if I do say so myself - and I've always been pretty loose-limbed - and my leg and back muscles are definitely getting stronger, but that doesn't seem to have any effect on what's going on now. Without any precipitating event, my muscles tightened up, and the neuropathic pain just started in on me. The only explanation I have is that the last injection's effectiveness is wearing off, and all I can really do right now is walk when I'm able, and keep up with the meditation (made difficult lately by the med-adjustment). This morning I can bend and stretch in ways I couldn't, yesterday, which in a normal world, doesn't make any sense.

Despite my soft and squidgy appearance (these past few years), I've always had pretty good muscle condition - whether from the luck of the genetic draw, or all those bales I used to toss as a teenager, I don't know - and I have gained a lot of my strength back. I can walk normally (ie, without limping) and have as much strength on the left as I do on the right, but the shooting pain up and down the left side when I do so (when the pain is worst) makes that inadvisable. Not that sitting down or lying still does me any better.

Oh, I may be a little aggravated. I remember how my body used to feel, and it pisses me off that it doesn't feel that way anymore.

Mentally, I want to do so much, but I don't seem to have the will to do anything. I'm still getting ideas and trying to keep any kind of brain activity going. Y'know, before I turn into a complete vegetable. I keep hoping that once the Topamax is out of my system, I'll feel a little sharper.